I still remember it quite vividly, that was a Wednesday and for the whole day I kept wondering if I should call her. It's not like that before that day I never felt like talking to her. I did, as a matter of fact, not a single day had passed since our last but unpleasant conversation when I didn't think about her, but never could I muster the courage to call her again. Moreover, the urge to talk to her was apparently the consequence of something that happened about a week ago. I dreamt of her and it revived all those memories, it was surreal, almost made me relive a day with her and hence aroused a strong craving to talk to her.
I had my phone in my hand with my eyes stuck on her contact number on the phone screen, still in a quandary if it was a good idea to call her. After going through a dilemma for the past two days, when I'd finally made up my mind to call her and the call was just a tap away on the screen, my heartbeats suddenly started racing frantically, I started sighing deeply and my breathing became abnormally heavy.
It'd been more than six months since we had a proper conversation with each other. On second thought that conversation didn't even qualify as one, that was rather a scuffle. I was trying to explain things to her but due to some misunderstanding, we ended up in an argument. That's when she decided that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I knew I had made some mistake but I was still unsure what was it. After so many years I found someone who I really felt alive and happy with, who I had even dreamt of but I failed to preserve this relationship due to my own insecurities. Apparently, I failed to explain things to her the way they should have been.
All those moments kept flashing in front of my eyes while I held the phone in my hand to make a call. Being an overthinker I'd conjured all those negative thoughts in my mind about that call. I dreaded indulging in another scuffle after so many months, I dreaded that I might again say something stupid to her which might hurt her again. I dreaded making this call completely, but I wasn't able to hold onto this feeling anymore, I had to call her I was missing her badly.
Amidst all this turbulence going on in my mind, I mustered the courage and tapped on the phone screen and kept staring at it until the call went through and it started ringing. Suddenly my heartbeats started racing even more wildly, I instinctively pressed my chest with my right hand while the ring was still going through. In a couple of seconds, the ringing stopped and I heard that IVR message telling me that the other person was not answering the call. I disconnected the call while the message was still midway. I felt relieved, but my hands were still trembling, I observed my right-hand thumb by which I had disconnected the phone had become stiff and shivering, my breaths still very deep, so deep that I was exhaling through my mouth open. Moreover, I was cognizant of my situation yet I was unable to compose myself. It took me at least another fifteen minutes or so to become normal in all my activities. My heartbeats decelerated, and my breathing became shallower. I shifted my focus back to my work and went into the other room to plug my phone into the charger.
It was evening already and I had to go for my evening walk. I went upstairs to change my clothes and put on my shoes. As soon as I came back downstairs and unplugged my phone, I saw one missed call on the screen. I unlocked the phone and saw that it was her missed call only. I stood there frozen for a while, absolutely clueless about what to do next. I wanted to call her back instantly, but I deferred as I knew I was a little too nervous to talk to her at that moment, I wasn't ready. Consequently, I shoved the phone in my pocket and rushed outside for the walk. For my entire walk, I couldn't think of anything else, I kept framing my conversation in my mind, I was just preparing myself for all the statements coming my way from her, they were all negative sentences that I was conceiving in my mind. While in reality, I had not had the slightest idea what she might talk about or whether she would talk to me at all.
The moment I reached back home I immediately went inside my room and opened the call logs I managed to call her but this time I was less nervous and anxious, with a slightly normal heartbeat and breathing. After just one bell she received the call and I heard an absolutely plain, expressionless voice from the other side.
"Hello", It made me nervous again and I stuttered while replying, "Hi, how are you doing?"
I cleared my throat and repeated it in a clearer voice.
"I am good. How are you doing?" she asked back.
"I am also good, thanks." I stuttered again. I tried hard to pretend to be normal, but my throat was giving me up entirely.
"Sorry," I said out of habit, coughing.
"Yes, tell me," she asked me the purpose of calling her.
"Nothing important, I just called to talk to you," I replied, this time without any struggle with my speech.
I had so much to talk to her but now when she was on call, I forgot everything for a moment. As I was contemplating my next sentence, she interrupted, "Hey, I would call you back in a couple of minutes, something urgent came up."
"OK," I could only utter this much and she disconnected the call.
My mind again started playing games with me, it kept telling me that she was in no way going to call me back, she picked up my call only out of courtesy and as soon as I told her that I hadn't called her for any work-related thing, she disconnected the phone citing that she has some important work came up.
I had almost surrendered to my mind, but then I convinced myself that there was nothing as such, she disconnected because she actually had something urgent come up and she was not making an excuse to avoid me. After a couple of minutes, as promised, she called back.
I wanted to tell her so desperately that I'd missed her so much for those last couple of months and I wanted to fix things up, but when she started talking, I forgot everything and just wanted to listen to that mesmerizing voice. I decided not to ruin the conversation by bringing back old discussions, so I played along and we had a wonderful conversation. I presumed that somewhere deep down she was also glad that we had that conversation, but again that was I being presumptuous.
After the call was over a relieved smile flitted across my face, I felt relieved of my anxiety and all those fears, I felt happy and content and I hope she did too.
Nevertheless, something is still due to me to make things right again. Someday I'll definitely tell her how much she meant to me, but she already knows it and I would go miles to fix everything.
Comments